This morning’s post was optimistic and had some good guidelines. I aim to continue holding these insights in my mind. I do feel gratitude for a number of things. Including today’s sunny day off work. But, since I am not numbing my emotions with a heavy poison, I am now sitting with things that I would not tolerate for very long in the past. Not long after, sadness emerged. Vulnerability. Last night and today I let it happen.
I haven’t had the energy to bring forth my positive anger alter ego in the last few days. Otherwise, I’d gladly let it ride up on a black horse, scoop me up and take me away. Because sadness, as we all know, is not pleasant. It’s partly hormones and partly grief connected to my recent circumstances.
Maybe it’s better that I can’t always harness the positive anger. Learning to just let it flow is probably good. There’s definitely a time for positive anger/assertiveness and the emotion therein, but there’s also a time for allowing what is underneath to surface.
I thought about it, and it’s not just about the present circumstance. It’s about every time I’ve ever been hurt by people in my life. I don’t know why this whole thing triggered that.
Maybe my therapist got me thinking along these lines (or more accurately, got me paying attention) when she astutely observed that I become the soldier/fighter/alter ego and fight like hell because I have never had the kind of love I want and need. And, in her opinion, that I deserve. But, smart as she is… she also pointed out that I’d have to work on actually letting such love in and not blocking it out.
I’ve been alone all day. Earlier I was alone while with someone (you know what I mean), but now I’m actually alone physically and things are better. Some of this feeling better and getting relief was cleaning and organizing my space. While listening to Radiohead. When I was sad earlier, there was kind of this fork in the road – should I listen to something positive to try to change this feeling? Or should I vent it? I decided sad Radiohead was the way forward. One of my favorite bands of all time, and so comforting during sadness. The vent is needed. I’m still listening. Codex came on and there were tears a moment ago. Most beautiful song in their catalog. But I guess the difference is now I’ve cleaned and done my planning. So I can feel a little sad but I have control over my world.
There’s probably people out there who get sad or any kind of not-pleasant emotion and they go listen to something positive to change it. Not me. I basically view that as denial. When I’m happy, or in the past during aerobic exercise, I would totally dig that super upbeat synthesized techno with high female voices (I call this Heaven Techno), but I couldn’t listen to it now. I really can’t listen to music that doesn’t actually match my mood. Well, except good rock. Ani Difranco said it best when she pointed out that there’s a fine line between assertive feel-good rock and rage rock. She said it soooo much better than that, however. Point is, I could maybe listen to some rocking Alice In Chains song or something in that neighborhood while not feeling aggressive.
There was a prompt the other day that pricked me. I almost joined in and offered my line of critical thinking. I’ll just do it now, briefly. It asked something along the lines of, “What do you do to lose yourself?” How about you do something to gain yourself? Ever think about that? Really, when I walk at the RAC for two hours listening to music and I’m really blissed out and in a good mood, I’m not losing myself. I am gaining the essence of who I am. If I joined an adult sports league (and I’m seriously considering it after I get in shape), I wouldn’t be losing myself in sports and competition, I would be gaining life essence, flow, camaraderie.
I definitely did something to lose myself in the past – binge drinking. That’s definitely a way to lose yourself. You’ll lose your life essence, identity, strength, relationships, finances, and everything that makes life worth living. Thus, anyone looking to lose themselves is walking a little tightrope over problems such as… addiction.
And this is another reason I can’t lose myself down that road anymore. I can’t squander my critical thinking intellect. I’ve never known anyone who challenges Group Think the way I do. Although I know they’re out there. It’s up to me to socialize more. I can inspire people to look at things in a different way. I don’t know where it comes from or when I began developing it, but this is a huge part of who I am. Binge drinking suppressed it.
There’s my girl riding up on her beautiful black horse. It’s back. I just needed to blog, apparently.
*
I’ve had a tough week, pulled through it great. Just the typical PMDD. High dose Lexapro helps keep anxiety away, but it’s still hard. It was bad enough that I had to swallow my pride and seek comfort in the environment of the old house from which I moved out. Animals, candlelight, fire, Netflix. But that’s okay because, you know, day 20 over here. If I needed to go watch a Netflix documentary to pull through, then that’s okay. The isolation of a hotel room wasn’t getting the job done. It wasn’t a good week to do meetings with a bunch of strangers. I actually swore off every form of TV going forward in my life so that I can be more productive, so the fact that I ended up watching Netflix that night tells you something. I wasn’t in a position to do anything else. I have to let go a little on that “no TV” thing because… there will be one day out of one week each month where I’m going to need to watch something. Now I’m catching myself on my own bullshit, see. Because I had to lose myself that night and it had nothing to do with not wanting to face and embrace life. I just had awful PMS. Ha. Although, the movie/documentary thing was about Einstein, which is very much an essence-of-me thing, so. See, I’ll catch everyone on contradictions – including myself! I do it all the time. Maybe I should join a goddamn debate club right along with that adult sports league.
I feel better, but I no longer know what my ultimate point is here. I’m just glad to be feeling a little better.
*Wash,Rinse,Repeat*
I’m going to update and repeat my mantra from the “Karma and Transition Post. It will guide me, and I hope it will help others who have been here:
We all have our day in the sun and our day of pain and darkness.
I’m stronger than a lot of other people, and I’ll pull through.
I have a lot of work to do.
I will pull through by utilizing a mixture of positive anger and compassion for myself. I can walk that balance.
I want to embrace the good things in life and regain power, but I also don’t want to forget what just happened. Because I don’t want to repeat this experience.
She wouldn’t be vulnerable, she wouldn’t talk, she was often irritable and she was openly dismissive and disrespectful toward me. This is not okay for me. For me and my relationship needs. It doesn’t really matter that she’s otherwise a good person, or what her traumas were. It does not make the behavior toward you okay. We all get mixed up in that bullshit… because they are never just a completely terrible person unless they are a psychopath.
The drive to win will carry me. The fight will carry me. And I’ll get some of the things I want.
I’ll force myself to be better about making friends in sober support groups. It will take time. For now I have my blog and a job. And music that I’m beginning to re-connect with.
If neither person is willing to be vulnerable in a relationship, or alternately if one is vulnerable for a little while and then withdraws because they feel unsafe and they get all resentful, it will never work. That’s the story of two CPTSD/borderline personality traumatized people trying to make something work.
In many cases, though not all, we bring our suffering on ourselves via choices and Karma connected to those choices. And this is true of the people who have hurt you as well.
Positive anger is connected to motivation. It’s the driving force that allows you to stand up for yourself against the forces in both yourself and the outside world that would tear you down and keep you oppressed. The qualifier,“positive” refers to controlling the anger and putting it into action. Taking control rather than letting anger take the driving wheel and control you.
Going to the gym and working out hard is a form of positive anger. Putting life’s daily irritations into something like that.
Positive anger needs to be mixed with compassion and that’s the tricky part. But it can be done. Just don’t let it become full on aggression.
While wrapped up in distress and anxiety, one needs to remind themselves that it can be over in a matter of hours and just to HANG THE FUCK ON. You will be okay and it will get better.
If I feel the need to corner someone and demand talk, it means I’m seeking re-assurance. In a healthy relationship, I would not need to seek such re-assurance.
If I ever encounter someone new, it really needs to be someone who inspires a secure feeling in me simply by way of their energy and presence in the room. I have to know that they have my back. Not wonder. A strong personality type who understands me.
Her changing her attitude about me doesn’t mean I’m less desirable. (in general to people, if not to her). I still have a nice body for my age, and in the past people of both genders have reacted to me. One time we went into a grocery store and she said some dude whirled around on his heel just to look at my ass.
I needed that. I feel better.
ZeroSpace 