55 – ZeroSpace

I think the doom is rolling in. I deleted my prompt post from earlier today because too many people liked it. That’s some serious curmudgeon shit right there.

It’s a good thing I don’t have a huge active following. If I’m going to be that much of a snatch. But neither do I like being invisible either, so thank you to the loyal followers who periodically like my daily posts that are not inspired by a Prompt. You do not annoy me. It’s simply that sometimes strangers do.

Day 55. It’s weird sometimes. It’s like I’ve lost a big part of my identity. Even tho that identity concerned being an out of control person headed nowhere fast.

Now is the time to build a new one, but I’m still feeling trapped inbetween and I still have to work for a living. Weekends for most of us working people involve a large element of recuperating from the workweek. Makes it challenging for the introvert to pursue those new meetups and shit. Especially if much of your job concerns talking to people.

I really like the quiet strategy stuff a lot more. Figuring out what jobs need campaign money in a given week, chasing after people on indeed and LinkedIn, observing which ads respond to a Friday reposting to make the ad look new… even though it’s totally not new. Being perplexed about why nobody is applying to Cook. Solving that problem once I figure out what the deal is. Usually just the need to source and reel them in. Advocating to get ridiculous education requirements slashed (and winning that argument). I’d like to do all of the above but not vocally talk to any candidates. I pull it off beautifully, and I have this whole persona that works, but I don’t actually enjoy it.

But… tough titties. I’m HR, I wanted to be a recruiter because I like the thrill of the chase, and I have to interview them. It’s part of the package.

Collected my keys today for the new place. I’m actually house-sitting for B right now because she got contract work that requires travel and a hotel stay, so I will be moving in little bits at a time. I also need to get a bed. So there’s that.

The pacific northwest is now gaining more daylight. It makes the evenings go fast because you always think it’s earlier than it is. Suddenly it’s dark at 9 and you’re like, “wtf? I thought it was 6!”

I’m still waiting to hit a streak of inspiration and it’s still not happening. Again, the theory is dopamine reset. I used to get these bursts of joy and inspiration. Even as an early stage drinker. They say that eventually your brain changes and once you stop, it’s going to take a while. It may also just be part of getting older, but I hope not. It’s this blah thing. I might also need more time away from my personal history. Either way it takes patience which isn’t something I am great at. I’m ripe for a cult. But something more fun than AA. Ha. Something a little less homogenous. Somewhere to belong and something to believe in. I’d like to be more physically active again.

Seems to me that covid really changed me. But it also coincided with getting just over 40, sooo…I mean it’s hard go tell. I used to hike little trails with heavy backpacks for fun and to feel the burn.

Alcoholism got a lot worse with long covid and then spiraled. How much did long covid/chronic illness itself factor into this deconditioning? The asthma is gone now, but holy hell that and the chronic fatigue was a ride. And then it was alcoholism on top of long covid. Sheesh. Now 44 years of age. So many factors. The reason I obsess on this is because the first step to solving the problem is to understand it. Should I quit Lexapro all together? Is it holding me back? But then I risk being psycho during pms and drinking. Can anyone be on an anti-depressant and still get back to being athletic? Or is that a direct bar to physical activity? I am so deconditioned and I can be so lazy now. But I did have chronic illness. And worsened alcoholism as a result. So. It’s hard to know where to have compassion versus where to light a fire under my ass.

You know. I am glad I wrote all this out. I was drawing a blank on what to discuss with my therapist. Ha. All I needed to do was write in an honest way. Maybe I will share this with her.

I also want to oxytocin flow besides what I get from the cats. As in, romance.

Although the cats are adorable. The other day I played the electronic group Carbon Based Lifeforms. They both stared at the speaker, transfixed. Govinda even reached up on his hind legs to get closer to the speaker.