Last post was Thursday when I was struggling a bit. Indeed, I had some good insight there. It’s a bad idea to load up on caffeine and not eat until 2:30 p.m. Friday I ate at my normal 11-11:30 a.m. time and I was fine the rest of the day.
It gets really old having weird food issues. I am so over it. And it’s the one thing I cannot overcome entirely by myself. And that makes me mad. An ED Therapist at a facility, last time I tried to get in, told me that I need to find a therapist who does something called exposure reaction prevention or something to that effect. But, as the ED isn’t my only issue (I’ve got like 4 major problems) this problem gets shelved in favor of working on the alcoholism. Which is a huge project in and of itself. And it’s the hardest of my 4 big problems.
They are:
Alcoholism
PMDD
ED
Emotional Regulation Issues (Borderline Personality Disorder)
11 days AF. Again. Not that I haven’t done it before. It’s sticking with it over the long haul that’s really hard. In recent times the most I made was about 67 days. Then pms and I got all crazy and just – it’s difficult in a way that transcends my ability to explain it. And Lexapro didn’t help all that much. If it did, I wouldn’t have relapsed. That’s how I know.
I live in fear of the fluctuating hormones. I experience hell for 10 days and my perspective on everything completely changes. Because it does a dance with the cptsd/borderline stuff somehow.
So I spend 10 days and hell, that ends and everything is peachy keen for about a week to a week and a half. And then slowly the doom rolls in, I start feeling caged, anxious, hate and mistrust everyone, some physical changes like being freezing ass cold all the time. But the physical problems are nothing compared to the mental health stuff and the jacked up anxiety.
Now I am trying microdosing. The problem is that it’s a psychedelic. Peachy keen most of the time. But every now and then it might spike your anxiety. Much like a higher dose. Or, at the very least, it simply does nothing to prevent anxiety if you were headed in that direction already. Like weed… good when it’s good, but there’s a risk of anxiety.
The one thing Lexapro did seem to nail pretty well is the food anxiety. This is why I am now having trouble at every damned meal and have to work harder through it. Lexapro was a crutch, now I have to get lost in a blog post like this, really work harder mentally on completing a meal with blog-write-assist. Because there is nothing treating that. But maybe it’s better if I have to work on it and not depend on a chemical as a crutch. At the start if this meal I was like “I can’t do this” and now it’s almost gone because I’m doing a huge blog post while eating. But I could make the argument that blogging is as much of a crutch as Lexapro was, so the only difference is blogging has no side effects.
The side effects to microdosing is occasionally feeling peculiar. I did 3 days in a row as an experiment and by day 3 I was on the verge of mild visuals. That ain’t supposed to happem. So I stopped that bullshit and went back to one day on, 2 days off.
The stuff isn’t legal or regulated. So it’s also not always going to be consistent. If I barely perceive anything or perceive nothing at all one day, then 2 days later on the next dose I have a little blurred vision and it looks like the floor designs are about to move, well, it’s a natural chemical coming from different batches. It ain’t made in a laboratory. The guy either grows it or buys it (not sure which), then he grinds it up, puts a very tiny amount in small capsules. There’s your microdose.
The wild west. But a lot of people are microdosing right now. It’s illegal. I feel gratitude today that I have access to this.
It certainly seems to he helping me over the past week. There is an ongoing optimism happening here. And I NEED that to avoid booze. I must be pleasant and somewhat optimistic. Yes, my co-worker annoyed the shit out of me yesterday but I was able to go over to the house and then here arrives my mildly sunny attitude upon getting away from the workplace. It’s not like I never stew or ruminate, I just seem to get over it faster. Just a supplement on par with something like SAM-E, except that shrooms actually work and SAM-E doesn’t do jack shit. At least not Nature Made’s version…
Yeah, that took 45 minutes to an hour but I am done.
ZeroSpace 