The witch walked along the moonlit path wearing a scowl.
Leaves crunched under her feet in the chill air. She stopped, picked up a stick from the path and hurled it into the woods furiously.
She knew this was coming. She’d been called up for a meeting with the Grand Rock Council, a local chapter of the Universal Occult Underground.
This could only mean one thing: She’d pushed her luck too far. She’d been misbehaving, and the Council knew about it.
She glanced down at her watch and gasped. “Shit,” she thought, “All I need is to be late.” She picked up speed and began walking faster. The meeting cave was less than 10 minutes away. If she hauled ass now, she might make it on time.
The witch entered the cave and began searching for the Council Room entrance. It was pitch black, so she had to feel around for the door. She slid her hand along the rock wall until she felt a dip in the surface. She whispered the entry mantra. The door didn’t open.
She sighed. “Fuck, I’m so sick of memorizing passwords.” She tried a different mantra spell. The cave rumbled as the door opened. She gazed into the long corridor, lit by torches on both sides of the wall. She hesitated for a moment, then began walking in.
The Council Room was immaculately furnished. Paintings adorned the wall, and two large glass tables stood in the middle of the room for beverages and spell books.
Several warlocks and witches sat in cozy chairs behind the tables. She entered slowly and stood waiting for direction.
The Council Leader paused for a moment and stared at her, frowning.
She noticed his impressive beard and mustache combo, joining at his lower face and flowing down to the floor like a white ocean wave. This was new.
Several minutes passed in silence.
“May I sit?” she asked.
“No.” he replied.
Oh shit. This is bad.
The Council Leader sighed, reached under the table, and brought out a large glass pipe. He placed the pipe to his lips and inhaled deeply. The pipe made a gurgling sound.
The witch was annoyed and astonished.
“I didn’t know Council Leaders could smoke weed!” she yelled.
The Council Leader snorted in irritation, then coughed, placing the bubbler back down on the table. Smoke poured out of his nostrils and mouth as he spoke.
“Ms. Pumpkin,” he admonished, “Do not speak out of turn!”
The witch held her tongue.
“I do not owe you any explanation for my conduct,” he continued, “but Council Leaders are permitted to occasionally partake of relaxing substances if such actions do not interfere with their duties.”
He picked up the bubbler and took another rip. “Especially,” he said, blowing out more smoke, “when dealing with you.”
The witch beamed. She had to admit – a part of her enjoyed irritating the warlock.
“Do you know why you’re here today?” he asked.
“I do not,” she replied.
He looked down at the floor, chuckled incredulously and placed a hand on his forehead. He looked back up and directed his gaze firmly at the witch.
“You’re testing my patience now. Do you recall an incident a few days ago involving the removal of speed bumps from your neighborhood?”
The witch thought back to a few days ago and went into a reverie. She remembered it all too well; it was a lovely memory.
A few days ago, the witch was driving home while pissed off.
She wanted to get home fast but had to slow down for countless speed bumps in her neighborhood. “Oooh,” she muttered, “we’ll fix this!”
She opened the door to her apartment, threw her keys and purse down on the floor and ran over to her spell books to begin intense study.
Around 3:00 in the morning, she quietly unlocked her door and crept out into the road. She encountered the first set of speed bumps. She looked around to make sure nobody was watching.
She took a step back, whispered the spell mantra, and waved her hand into the air. The speed bumps erased before her eyes. “Ha!” she whispered, “Yes!”.
She ran around to all 26 sets of speed bumps in her neighborhood, erasing them one at a time.
She woke around 8 a.m. and walked outside, grinning. No speed bumps. She walked along the sidewalk to go retrieve her mail from the clubhouse.
At that moment, she noticed a new sports car barreling down the street, driving much too fast. She knew unpleasant circumstances would result from her decision to remove the speed bumps. Thankfully, she had a solution.
She stared at the car, blinked her eyes three times, and whispered the spell mantra.
All four of the car’s tires exploded at once.
She hurriedly walked up to the car.
A guy with long blonde hair, a sports jersey and a backward baseball cap jumped out of the driver’s side.
“Whoa!” he yelled, “Did you see that!? What the hell?”
“I did!” the witch replied, “That’s fucked up, what did you run over?”
“I don’t know!” he yelled, his blue eyes searching the road in shock.
The witch suppressed a smile.
“I think it’s because the speed bumps are gone!” she yelled.
He shot her an annoyed look. “What?” He asked in surprised disgust.
“Nothing!” she replied, “Don’t listen to me, I forgot my medication this morning!”
He grimaced and turned away from her, diverting his attention back to his busted tires.
The witch smiled and hurried along to her mailbox.
On the way back, she pulled out her cell phone. Time to have some fun. She dialed the landlord’s number.
The landlord sounded distressed.
“Hi Lanetta,” said the witch, “I was wondering about the speed bumps. I woke up this morning and they were gone.”
There was a very long pause on the line.
“We are looking into the matter,” Lanetta replied, as calmly as she could manage, “It appears there has been some overnight vandalism.”
“Vandals?” The witch said, “That’s some sophisticated vandalism….”
“Ma’am,” Lanetta cut her off, “We are looking into it. I have to go.”
Lanetta hung up and the witch giggled.
“Shit”, she thought, “I better put them back tonight.”
The witch’s reverie was suddenly interrupted when the Council Leader cleared his throat.
“Ms. Pumpkin, this isn’t a smiling matter. We also know about the toilet paper incident. The VoiceOver message alone is enough to ban most practitioners from membership permanently. Do you understand the seriousness of this situation?”
“Yes.” The witch replied. She knew she’d been a little off the rails lately.
But she also knew that her talent at magic practice was well above average. At the end of the day, these chucklefucks couldn’t do anything about it. She resolved to behave anyway, however, out of respect for the organization.
“I apologize,” the witch offered, “This pandemic situation has me going a little looney tunes. I can’t seem to control my temper. I will make a better effort in the near future.”
“You had better,” the Council Leader replied, “Because we can revoke your membership in the organization, but beyond that we can also make your spell books disappear and ensure that you never have access to another spell book again”
The witch gulped. No spell books means no new spells.
“I’ll do better.” She said.
“Good”, The council leader replied.
He picked up his bubbler. “Do you want some weed before you go?”
The witched smiled and walked out of the cave into the daylight.