This is a consolidation of all the things I’ve said over the past week. They are things that will help me move forward into a place of healing. My intention is to paste all the helpful things I said into one place… so that I can re-read it occasionally and stay on track. Maybe some other reader out in the universe will benefit from these things.
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We all have our day in the sun and our day of pain and darkness.
I’m stronger than a lot of other people, and I’ll pull through.
I have a lot of work to do.
I will pull through by utilizing a mixture of positive anger and compassion for myself. I can walk that balance.
I want to embrace the good things in life and regain power, but I also don’t want to forget what just happened. Because I don’t want to repeat this experience.
She wouldn’t be vulnerable, she wouldn’t talk, she was often irritable and she was openly dismissive and disrespectful toward me. This is not okay for me. This is not okay for me and my relationship needs. It doesn’t really matter that she’s otherwise a good person, or what her traumas were. It does not make the behavior toward you okay. We all get mixed up in that bullshit… because they are never just a completely terrible person unless they are a psychopath.
The drive to win will carry me. The fight will carry me. And I’ll get some of the things I want.
I’ll force myself to be better about making friends in sober support groups. It will take time. For now I have my blog and a job. And music that I’m beginning to re-connect with.
If neither person is willing to be vulnerable in a relationship, or alternately if one is vulnerable for a little while and then withdraws because they feel unsafe and they get all resentful, it will never work. That’s the story of two CPTSD/borderline personality traumatized people trying to make something work.
In many cases, though not all, we bring our suffering on ourselves via choices and Karma connected to those choices. And this is true of the people who have hurt you as well.
Positive anger is connected to motivation. It’s the driving force that allows you to stand up for yourself against the forces in both yourself and the outside world that would tear you down and keep you oppressed. The qualifier,“positive” refers to controlling the anger and putting it into action. Taking control rather than letting anger take the driving wheel and control you.
Going to the gym and working out hard is a form of positive anger. Putting life’s daily irritations into something like that.
Positive anger needs to be mixed with compassion and that’s the tricky part. But it can be done. Just don’t let it become full on aggression.
While wrapped up in distress and anxiety, one needs to remind themselves that it can be over in a matter of hours and just to HANG THE FUCK ON. You will be okay and it will get better.
If I feel the need to corner someone and demand talk, it means I’m seeking re-assurance. In a healthy relationship, I would not need to seek such re-assurance.
If I ever encounter someone new, it really needs to be someone who inspires a secure feeling in me simply by way of their energy and presence in the room. I have to know that they have my back. Not wonder. A strong personality type who understands me.
Her changing her attitude about me doesn’t mean I’m less desirable. (in general to people, if not to her).
ZeroSpace 