There’s an alertness now, a particular awareness, even while exhausted. I’ve got a speeding ticket with my name on it, just waiting for me. I drive fast at times. My eyes focus hard, the fires extend even to my vision, and at times I move my body with a heavy power, like a panther moving through the jungle.
Let me feel the things that many others suppress. Let me experience them. Let me embrace anger and shape it into a positive force. I walk back to my car from the grocery store and my silver car gleams like a bowling ball under the moon.
Last night I walked my favorite little dog in a light rain. Despite rain, there were patches of dark, clear sky. Scattered stars shone and blue wispy clouds moved over them. Twisted tree branches hovered over.
*
Now it is a day later. I have just had a session with my therapist. It always leaves me feeling better. It feels like a healthy friendship. These are the times when I am tempted to believe that there is something to spiritual belief, because I feel change happening in me and she came along at the exact right time. There were only a few to choose from on Talkspace when I signed up. This was just before entering detox. As I said before, the choice to go into detox was a major shift in and of itself.
My therapist’s insights were on point enough that I jotted down notes. She says my anger is righteous; another way of saying positive anger. She agrees that it has to be balanced with compassion, but she had another way of stating that thought…which I can’t remember right now. Point is – She sees me, she gets it. I took a risk on Talkspace, and it paid off. Risk taking sometimes goes my way. It was a risk to quit my hospital job. That also paid off to my advantage. Was it messy? Yes. Did I do very much good during my 5 months of unemployment? No. But when I did finally get a job, it was the exact kind of job I wanted for about the same pay I was making before. A whole lot of failed interviews and finally I nailed the right one.
This past week I wrote through my pain and discomfort. Last Sunday I had decided that enough was enough. So, I sat with all my things and experienced them. Wrote through them. I did that one meeting. I intended to do at least 2 more. Well, my recruiting job is demanding, although obviously I love aspects of it, and there was no way I was going to eat in 10 minutes and then rush off to a meeting at 6 or 7 p.m. I was also sleep deprived. Now I have Trazadone. There were also two nights in there where I had to work late.
I reasoned that it’s okay. I haven’t touched the poison. Regardless of meeting attendance, YOU are the one staying away. The willpower and the fight are what serve you. These things serve you far more than the meetings. All of us addicts. Meetings are a thing we’re supposed to do, some extra support and accountability, but as long as you stay away, go ahead, and do whatever the fuck you want. Take a bath. Write. Whatever.
And I wrote.
My therapist thinks I should set up online dating profiles and just talk to people. She amused me by referencing my career, whether she realized it or not. She put this in a recruiting context – she said, “Slow to hire, quick to fire.” Just receive their compliments, interview them, and don’t take it too seriously. And that I’m in a phase where I need to pause the giving and just receive. It’s true that I’ve done a lot of caretaking in the last couple of years and not got a whole lot back for it. This therapist has been there. Sounds like she met her good man by just having fun on dating sites, interviewing, quick to fire, make a list of what you want, and eventually he came along.
My hangup is that I can’t imagine putting effort, right now, into taking photographs of myself. I’ve let my hair color fade out. I tend not to photograph well. It takes a lot of effort for me to look good. I don’t have that kind of energy. And there’s few things I detest more than chatting with people on dating websites.
Whenever I do get back in, and I don’t think it will be any time too soon, mind you, I will try to get them to meet me for coffee as soon as possible so that we’re not fucking texting on the platform. All of us could stand to get out more in nature or get in front of people and leave behind digital conversations. Seriously. I’d like to imagine that attending church, attending support meetings, doing meetups or whatever would bring me the friendship tribe and maybe that person. But it’s a long game just like anything else.
ZeroSpace 