The first step was to stop writing about her. It was critical and dark. She was still reading. I needed to cease writing about her, both for her benefit and for my own. I needn’t pander to these thoughts. She said she still read my blog out of worry for me. Yes, but I also think she was emotionally cutting herself in the same way that I am prone to do when I am not well. A sort of addictive behavior. I told her I would stop writing about her in that way, and I have largely kept my word. I am writing about her today, but the tone is (and will be) markedly different.
The one exception was where I re-copied and rephrased a paragraph from the original “Transition and Karma” post. I figured that was an okay cheat because that post is about me and what I need from other people. And… it was more an affirmation, less of a critical tirade of 1000 words.
Then I went about my business and wrote only about me.
The next step was to delete all my critical writing about her from late February and onward. Leave the larger points about my hurt and what I need, but delete the critical and judgemental details.
The third step was to stop reading her blog. Doing so was engaging in the same addictive behavior that she was engaging in. Looking to see if she was talking about me. I decided that I don’t need to know. If I wanted to say something to her, or know what she thinks, I could ask her directly. Learn to communicate. Again, I kept my promise to myself and have not looked at her blog since last Thursday, I believe, and I won’t.
The next step was to remove the last of my belongings from her residence last Friday. If there is to be a friendship, and at this point it’s going to be her decision because I have decided that I do want one, I need to visit infrequently and not be having my shit in her place. Let her make that room into the space she desires, absent of my things.
The next step is (I’m doing this now) to acknowledge that a thing she dislikes about me is true. I have been judgemental about the things that I do not relate to or understand. I have to let it go. I also have to let go of the hurt. Let go of the lingering jealousy. We all have many things stacked against us. Life is a struggle for everyone. If working on things with her ex – with an eye to repairing the relationship – and if being in the company of this other person is providing a safe harbor and a phase of joy as she also works on herself, then let it be. I know that there’s a chance I’ll get my needs met in the distant future with someone new. But, for now, I don’t need any attachment to anyone beyond friendship, and so I can work to be happy or at least accepting for two people finding safe harbor in each other.
I have a lot more to say, but lunch is over :/.
ZeroSpace 