As my car sped down the road, I glanced at the harbor to the left and fumed. The anger was back, and it hovered around the edges of resentment. Yes, a challenging hike was exactly what I needed. Couldn’t wait to sweat it out.
I looked at the trees on the side of the road to the right. Plenty of people thought this was a beautiful day, but I thought it looked dingy. I knew that my emotions colored my viewpoint. If you’ve ever had a depressed phase where the sun doesn’t penetrate your consciousness…where the sun is nothing but annoying brightness, you know what I mean.
This lack of appreciation for physical surroundings continued as I started down the trail. But after a few hills, I gained the exercise high that I was chasing after, and now I began to see beauty in my surroundings. Especially the water rushing out under the culvert.
It drew my attention immediately. I zoned in on the rushing water and blocked out everything else. Although I normally appreciate that little area of the trail, today I felt connected to it in a new way.
The road sits right above, a hill goes down to a wooden bridge, and under the bridge water rushes forth from a culvert. The word “strength” entered my mind. I stood for a few moments connecting with the strength of the water. The power. It was loud and constantly moving. I was hearing the sound of strength in nature, and I felt it in my soul.
I climbed more hills and stopped occasionally to catch my breath. I began smiling at passersby. Prior to this, I didn’t want to look them in the eye. This hike heads up to a flat area high above the water with several overlook points. The area at the top is always amazing because it has a different biodiversity than the lower area, and at this point you’ve gained a good runner’s high. Especially if you’re out of shape. Well, if you’re this type of person. I don’t think everyone gets an exercise high. The ones who do tend to have a yearn toward exercise, see.
There’s nothing like it. I contemplated how marijuana has its own nice little high, but I think exercise is better. Nothing compares to a weed high when consumed via the lungs – it has its own unique feeling. The weed high is elusive and difficult to describe, but I decided that an exercise high is far superior. For me, anyway.
I was mindful and paid attention to how my body felt. My lungs were struggling, but my limbs felt strong and were not tired at all. It’s always been this way. While working out, my limbs and muscles themselves are happy. I’ll be sore afterward, sure, but I feel a certain strength and happy muscles while going up hills.
At certain points, I moved up as fast as I could, skipping steps as I sometimes do. And I haven’t hiked up hills in forever. I have a sit down job. Some people are just born to move, and if you don’t get that need met, it will come out in all sorts of unpleasant ways. Such as anxiety and things along those lines.
I felt vitality in my body. I thought about how I should come here every morning before work. Then I thought twice and became more realistic. If I could get up early just 2-3 times a week and do this, that would be amazing.
At home, I looked up the distance from the hotel. 15 minutes. Shit. But – then I remembered Hill Park! About 5 minutes up the street from this hotel, there is a small park right outside school property that is literally nothing but 3 or 4 huge hills. It’s right in the middle of a neighborhood. I went there once, and it was a lot… even for me. It’s not like a normal trail where sometimes you get a rest or a flat area. You go up a huge hill, you go down. You go up a super-tall hill again, you go down. You go up another one. Not surprisingly, I didn’t see a lot of people there just for leisure. You know. There were joggers and most of the people there looked like they meant business. There weren’t any chubby people making their way into Hill Park when I entered. I’ll probably go there this week before or after work and take pictures to demonstrate this pleasant monstrosity. If I can’t make the 15 minute drive to my other haunt – Regional Athletic Complex, then I’ll probably hit up the hill park tomorrow.
After today’s hike was done, I saw a little fountain near my car that I never noticed before. It’s a mini version of the power I spoke of earlier. It was interesting, so I photographed it.
The tree branches at the top looked like antlers, which I thought they were at first and this warmed my heart because it looked like some shit my father would build in his front yard. But it’s tree branches that I suspect someone arranged to look like antlers. How creative.
I sat on a stone rock and peered into it for a while, enjoying the condensed power.
“…As We Understood Him.”
I’m realizing now the full extent of this phrase. It can encompass nature, water and even a force like my positive anger that I preach about all the time. It takes imagination and intellect for one to finally wrap their head around how broad this 12-step foot note can be. One can get a mental block from the archaic language sometimes. Sometimes I think that’s by design. These concepts are not for pussies, you know. Sobriety itself is not for pussies.
This park was named after the tribe I work for, and I reflected that I’m taking refuge in the tribe. I’m safe in this park and I’m safe at work. Although I certainly wish I had more 3 day weekends like this one.
I attended a meeting tonight. It was another huge one. I think I meant to speak about the meeting plus my therapy session today. I heard something good at the meeting. The new & temporary therapist also brought up some good points and I wanted to reflect on both.
But I need to delete some pictures and delete or heavily modify a recent post, so. It’s 11:23 p.m. and I aim to attend a liberal church service tomorrow. It’s not until 11 a.m., but I think I need to begin the wind down transition. Especially since, as I often do on weekends, I helped myself to coffee at 3 p.m. I could probably sit here writing until 1 or 2 if I wanted, but I need to practice some restraint.
It was a good day. I stayed busy and checked everything off my list. I have an equally long list tomorrow and I just have to manage my time well. I have to say, not being hungover in any capacity really helps with checking off all those boxes and getting shit done. For the first time ever, there isn’t a single shred of doubt in my mind that I will make 30 days and then make 60.
Although it’s hard at times and I ride the emotional roller coaster that regular readers have witnessed here, it’s really nice to not have cravings in any capacity and to have zero doubt that I’ll make these milestones. The people who understand this best, I think, will be anyone who happens upon this writing who finally made that very concrete (but hard to explain) switch in their mind. I’m very protective and mindful… because I don’t want to get over-confident. For example, I don’t dare enter trigger places even though I know it would likely be fine. But something has fucking changed. I have zero tolerance for a life that isn’t an eventual success – whether it’s my life or anyone else’s. I will succeed and I will manifest others who have succeeded at overcoming this problem and/or other things in life.
ZeroSpace 