Sunday

I tried doing Center for Spiritual Living. In-person attendance. I showed up, but it didn’t work out. Chairs in a circle this time. Versus front facing. Sat in a chair off to the side. Became teary-eyed. Yesterday was great, but I overdid it. Then I did not sleep well enough. And so the sadness and vulnerability come to the surface. Presently I am stuffing myself with protein. This will help. Some of the things I wanted to get done today will need to be distributed through-out this coming work week. I have accepted this. This protein and one last serving of coffee afterward might enable me to surprise myself and get at least a couple things done today that I did not think I could do.

What I am enduring is very difficult, and I am completely alone. I won’t necessarily always have to alone, but I am now. And it hurts. Beyond what I can put into words. At certain points, I am enduring an incredible amount of emotional pain. The words look stale on a page, they don’t really capture all the shapes here. And I have no escape. I refuse to drink.

All I can do is continue to do what I am already doing. Write through it. Continue pushing myself out of my comfort zone. But being soft about it with myself – it was a big deal that I showed up to church, even if I felt too sad to stay. I woke up feeling some of this and decided to go anyway, not knowing how it would turn out. But I showed up. You know.

I wish I knew someone feeling these same things. I would hug them for hours and let them talk everything out. Likewise, I want to be held by someone who truly cares. Someone who sees how strong I am being even though it hurts like hell and validates that while loving me as much as I love them. Well, these things can happen, but they don’t happen over night. So it’s about sitting with it and then moving on to the next right thing.

The next right thing can be simple. My body was screaming for protein. And not just a big handful of nuts, I wanted meat and gave myself that. Learning to tune into needs. Not surprising – I climbed hills yesterday.

I want so badly to do well, and to have energy, overcome this, etc., but these vulnerable moments emerge. It’d be nice to always be upbeat and forward-looking. Maybe I’m this way often enough, however. It seems I do pretty well at fighting hard, given the circumstances.  I think part of the process is doing exactly this – I’m not hiding the hurt. If I really wanted to, I could probably cover it with pride and bluster.  When I do report on feeling strength and positive anger and all that, it’s me being honest about what’s happening in the moment… because I’m genuine like that. Different moods and phases emerge. But I can see how someone else might pretend to feel that same  pride and positive anger when, really, they feel sad. I can see how that would be appealing and self protective. But I choose to show my belly right now.

I didn’t stick around at church, but I took notes on something important he said last week. Now, being back at the hotel suite, my plan is to re-write what he said and reflect on his statement in my hand-written journal.

My therapist was ripped from me because TalkSpace had an error in their matching system. I fought to get her back, but I lost. She set me up with her private practice and applied for credentialing with my insurance. I am paying out of pocket for a session this week, but beyond that I have to wait 30 days for completion of the insurance process.

So I started looking at other options on the same platform, just for the interim. Yesterday’s was a dud. Too macho. Better for men, probably. She’d ask basic questions in this very stiff and distant, masculine and defensive way. I decided within two minutes or less that this was not the one. *Tracie (fake name) has now set the bar for what I expect. Tracie is incredible.

This other one was not absent of value. Got stuff from the session. She made a couple astute observations. I said that I don’t even see the booze at the casino espresso stand anymore. It’s there, but does not enter my field of vision. This is true. She said it’s because I’m not looking for it. Her statement was an aha moment for me. 

She ascertained from the way I spoke that I’m not having cravings. She said this as a statement rather than a question. Because she could tell. Aside from standard therapy, she’s also a substance abuse counselor. I strongly suspect this was talkspace’s little “mismatch” – tearing me away from the therapist I bonded with because she’s not a substance abuse professional. Going by the book rather than by personality match. I have learned that I don’t really need someone who has been addicted at my level to receive excellent therapy from such a person. They don’t even need to be trained on it. That was eye opening for me. It was the best “mistake” ever.

Anyway – the substance abuse counselor from yesterday – she’s confident enough in where I’m at… that she actually thinks I might be a good person to be a SMART recovery host and facilitator. A little further down the line. I like this. It’s 50 or 80 dollars for the training. When the time comes, I  will throw down money  on this training and do it. An in-person option for my town. There’s a need, and I’m the person who can do it. I guarantee other people are looking for this and cussing that they have to either do video or drive all the way up to Seattle. I’ll do it after I nail a month or two.

If and when I meet this person who is feeling the way I did this morning, I’m going to give them soooo much love and attention and do everything I can to help support many moments of joy in their life as well. You can’t know the value of it until you have been really hurt and also spent just about your whole life without it. I will give them what I needed. And I’d like it if such a person would help me to slow down when I need it.  If they were here today, they would say, “Your eyes show total exhaustion. That was a huge hike, you’re a little out of shape and you need to just rest with me and watch a few movies. Take up the sword again tomorrow, honey, but rest today.” And I would know they were correct so it would not take much convincing.

I’m going to make myself leave this up for as long as I can, too. It does not have to detract from the soldier, the fire, the fighter and the strong side.

Last night’s NA meeting was huge and it was candle-light. Could not see anyone. 50 people. Did not speak. But, did not run either. Stayed and left when it looked like everyone was going to hold hands. Hate that.

Heard some useful things. One person said they had no identity when they first got clean. Who was she now?  I can’t relate to that. I know who I am and where I want to go. However – I was a (mostly) functional alcoholic.  This was an NA meeting. Huge difference between a functional alcoholic and a person who was dealing things like meth/heroin, shooting up in empty apartment laundry rooms and stuff.  Deeper level of oblivion. The deeper you go into oblivion, the more you lose touch with who you are, especially if you’ve been shooting up since you were a teen or young adult. So I can sympathize with loss of identity, even if I do not experience that.

She also said you have to put yourself in the middle of the herd. “We can’t help you if we don’t know you.”.  When they say this shit, it’s because they were that new person. They speak from experience.  She said if you show up and just hang out on the perimeters, something she called “the outer relapse row”, then when you slip off and stop going to meetings, nobody knows and therefore nobody cares. 

Basically she supported what the detox facilitator said. Be vulnerable and be social even though it’s hard, or fuck off.

All things in due time. I am putting very high expectations on myself.  I know I’ll get better at speaking and going to groups, but it’s going to take time. I checked off every single box on things I wanted to get done yesterday. It is probably fine if I only do a couple things today and then go to bed earlier tonight and just aim for good sleep each night.

I have written through it for now. It’s just hard sometimes.