Last night they talked about meditation. Even though it’s all about relaxing for a little while, the vast majority of people find it challenging. Which I think is interesting. It is a discipline. I did a guided one on YouTube this morning. Refocused my mind and thought about the week ahead, what I want and need from my evenings. Got to keep those insecurities at bay. Got to re-direct certain thoughts.
The day time portion of yesterday was difficult enough that I need to do something tonight that is not any sort of chore for me. Probably a long walk with music. That whole trip of mine a couple days ago… about Hill Park… yeah, how about start out just a couple times a week? Say a Tuesday and a Thursday. I’m not doing that shit every day. Ha.
Gonna check out trails I’ve never been to on weekend mornings, when I feel up to it. Stuff way up the road.
It was important to enter a positive space with this lunch update. Because despite last night’s goodness and my strength, I entered work and some irritation surfaced and morphed into suicidal ideation quite quickly. Thoughts about how my life carries no value and so I hoped I’d get hit by a car on the way home. If all of these things I am writing about lately seem like big swings, it’s important to note that I’m either CPTSD or Borderline (I have heard different opinions on which one I am. I think it’s the same condition).
This is why I crave praise about making 23 days. Because many of us are substance abuse people. Borderlines/trauma people. So, navigating sudden change, challenging myself to do really hard things (socializing, speaking in group) and navigating things in my head. With no escape and constant self-comfort and re-direction when it gets hard. It should not be surprising to anyone familiar with these types of people that my blog is featuring some significant mood swings lately. I have these emotional and attachment issues as a general background in my mind, and meanwhile I am digging myself out of prison with a very small spoon. Love that image. It’s quite apt. All these little things I am doing to become stronger are the spoon, and my head/world is a prison. I broke the concrete 23 days ago and now I’m digging away, every single day.
This is really hard shit. And it’s why I am embracing meditation every morning and every night again.
And this lunch break is about relaxing for a little while and nourishing myself with a small amount of healthy snack food.
Not tonight, but I need to text that lady who ran up to me and got my number. This week. I will text the remainder of them when I get more familiar with who they are. It’s hard to tell ages on some of these people. They are like 30’s/40’s Johnny Depp – ageless. These two straight looking chicks I immediately bonded with could be anywhere from 31 to 45. They’re both rather pretty. Anyway, the one offered to accompany me to meetings.
This little break from the nightmare corners of my head feels good.
Yeah, even at the office there was that dark impulsive moment. Another thing I will do tonight is look at notes from the good therapist (the one I favor so far) and reflect. Much of it came down to lightening up a little. Do fun things, set up a profile and flirt with people. Allow myself to receive praise that was not given to me by someone I deeply loved at the time.
She’s right. I just wasn’t ready for all that in the first week of March when she made these suggestions. Now the sun is out and yesterday’s day time depression has passed, and now I can work towards being more light on my feet. When the impulsive suicide feelings happen I will lean into meditation and the same positive self talk I have already been doing.
Okay. Another cup of Joe and back to the HR job.
ZeroSpace 